One thing this blog has done is show me who my real friends are and that alone makes it worth it. I have seen a wide range of reactions to what I am doing here and those reactions have given me a very good look into the heart and mind of each person.
I think there is a misconception as to the tone of this blog. Many see anger towards the LDS church in my posts which I can assure you is not the case. Am I angry? The answer is a resounding YES! But that anger is directed toward me and no one else. I am angry at myself for letting others dictate how I live my life. I am angry because I failed to properly educate myself and know more about the religion I claimed to be part of and even defended using what I now know to be half truths and smokescreens. I’m pissed off that I spent two years teaching people in Spain the same things I now see as manipulative and dishonest. The mere idea that I had a hand in the conversion of the people I taught makes me cringe. I hope they will forgive me for being part of the facade.
I like to refer to myself as a "Hopeful Agnostic" because I have a natural tendency to want to believe but have lost all trust and faith in religion. You see, I have spent the large majority of my life living a religion that hid truths from me. The discovery of those truths has affected my loyalty to them and God. It is a horrible feeling realizing that you have been deceived by someone who claimed to be a man of God. It destroys everything you have built your life around. The moment I realized that the LDS church is not what it claims to be, my faith came crashing down. I was left holding the pieces, having to rebuild my belief system but not knowing where to begin.
I enjoy going to church with my family now more than I ever have in my life. However, I cannot bring myself to the point where I can let go and put my trust in another church and to me that also makes it impossible to put my faith in God because that is where I am supposed to learn about Him. I see all of this as a process and it is going to take time to find solid ground to stand on. In the end, will I find a belief in God? I don’t know, but I do know that, regardless of where I land, I will be better off for having gone through all of this. Knowledge is power and the truth will set you free.
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This entry has to be my favorite so far in the Doug series:)
ReplyDeleteI am so blessed that I get to share this journey with you. It is also a blessing that we found such a wonderful body of believers at our new church. Remember that we no longer have to believe in a church we just need to focus on one thing and that is healing.
You no longer have to believe in a church ..Doug. You are free! It can take you the rest of your life to believe in God and I believe deep in the pit of my soul that he knows exactly what you are going through. And He knows your heart. He knows that you have been hurt and He is patient. he already knows if you will believe in him or not. Your true friends will still be here to celebrate with you in any of your future decisions. I remember that I complained everytime I had to go to the mormon church without you and it was gut wrenching because my salvation was dependant on having a worthy husband. I find more peace now then ever before. Our salvations are personal. We only have to rely on the Savior and no one else. He loves you whether you believe in Him or not. (I am going to have so many enemies after this:) The mormon religion is all about control and the Savior is all about Freedom. You are always in my prayers I love you so much!
I have never meet you but have been following both your wife and yours blog sites. Just know that you are on the right path. I am praying for you and your family. Healing will come to your heart and like Amy said, You only have to rely on Jesus, the only true savior! Church, religion, Godly men will fail us everytime but God will bring you peace and understanding!
ReplyDeleteKeep searching and holding on to one another. What a beautiful story will come out of this time in your lives!
Doug,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great entry of what you truly felt and have been feeling. It is good for you to get those feelings out in the open. Your lovely wife said it in a nutshell.
To see both of you go through this is so neat not just in the fact of your growing as a person, but in the essence that the two of you are maturing "twogether" as a couple.
The love and support you have given one another from the beginning is phenomenal and should be an example to others.
Ok, I didnt like what I said before....:0) a woman's option to change....like my shoes or clothes if something is "just not right"!
ReplyDeleteI read this blog and I can feel your pain.....
Don't be angry at yourself. You were doing what you had been taught. Even though now you see what you were taught to not be the truth, do not punish yourself. What you taught others in other countries was what you were taught. Now, you know the truth and Doug, the truth shall SET YOU FREE!!!! WOOHOO......what an amazing journey you are on, not just for you but for your sweet wife and cherub. I don't want you to feel as if you need to "belong" to the church, but that you belong to the "body" of Christ. Those are two different things. We are the body.....we all form different things through the body and we use the spiritual gifts that are given freely to us, to show Christ through ourselves. Right now, search. Ask questions, find answers and if one person doesnt have one answer, ask someone else. Therefore.....the Body.
What a learning time for you but also a soul searching time to delve into yourself and see the goodness that God has for you each day. Welcome these days as searching days.....searching for the answers that you didnt even know were out there.
You are awesome......Remember that God always loves us.....He has NO conditions.....None! And He is good ALL the time! ALL THE TIME! Do you not just love that????
I am praying for you and your family as always and will always be by your side......Hugz!!!!